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The Islamic way of making love to your wife!
(He is a new convert to Islam, from the Netherlands)
A husband must exercise intercourse within the Quranic paradigm of love and mercy.
The most perfect of believers are those most perfect of character; and the best of you are the best of you to your spouses. [Tirmidhi, Ibn Hibban]
And of His signs is this: He created for you spouses from yourselves that ye might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy. Lo! herein indeed are portents for folk who reflect. (Quran 30:21)
The best of you are the best to their wives, and I am the best of you with my wives. [Ibn Hibban]
Foreplay between the spouses before actually engaging into sexual intercourse is immensely important (especially for the wife) and a vital ingredient for a happy and prosperous marriage, that which should never be neglected.
The husband should sexually arouse his wife before having sex. It is indeed selfish on the husbands part that he fulfils his sexual needs and desires, whilst his wife remains unsatisfied and discontented. Failure in satisfying the wife can have terrible consequences on ones marriage.
Thats why the prophet forbade sexual intercouse without foreplay, to guarantee and to protect the sexual pleasures and rights of the wife in bed.
Imam Ibn al-Qayyim (Allah have mercy on him) reports in his famous Tibb al-Nabawi that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) forbade from engaging in sexual intercourse before foreplay. (See: al-Tibb al-Nabawi, 183, from Jabir ibn Abd Allah)
Islam recognizes a womans need of love, affection and foreplay. Women tend to be more romantic than men. They like to hear tender words, to be praised, to feel that they are being cared for, to be the main concern of their husbands and the one to whom he directs his ardent love (thats why the prophet forbade engaging in sexual intercourse before foreplay). In Islam it is a womens right to be satisfied by her husband in bed. Islam stresses the importance of mutual sexual satisfaction between marriage partners in the following quranic verse:
It is lawful for you to go in unto your wives during the night preceding the (day's) fast: they are as a garment for you, and you are as a garment for them. God is aware that you would have deprived yourselves of this right, and so He has turned unto you in His mercy and removed this hardship from you. Now, then, you may lie with them skin to skin, and avail yourselves to that which God has ordained for you.(Quran 2:187)
A garment brings satisfaction, comfort, protection and warmness! These are the things a husband must strife to give his wife during intercourse!
we clearly see that the sahaba (companions of the prophet) understood that during sexual
intercouse each spouse has to be a resort for the other ( by satisfying each others sexuel
needs, just like a garment brings comfort and satisfaction)
Also, Muslims are advised to avoid sexual intercourse during menses so as not to cause discomfort to the woman (Quran 2:222).
The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) also stated: Every game a person plays is futile except for archery, training ones horse and playing with ones wife (foreplay and kissing) . (Sunan Tirmidhi, Musnad Ahmad, Sunan Ibn Majah).
Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will; but do some good act for your souls beforehand; and fear Allah. And know that ye are to meet Him (in the Hereafter), and give (these) good tidings to those who believe. (Quran, 2:223)
The wisedome of Allah swt for using the words Your wives are as a tilth unto you :
Sex is not a thing to be ashamed off, or to be treated lightly , or to be indulged to the excess. It is as solemn a fact as any in life. It is compared to as husbandmans tilth; it is a serious affair to him; he sows the seed in order to reap the harvest. But he chooses his own time and mode of cultivation. He does not sow out of season nor cultivate in a manner which will injure or exhaust the soil. He is wise and considerate and does not run riot. Coming from the simile to human beings, every kind of mutual consideration is required , but above all, we must remember that even in these matters there is a spiritual aspect. We must never forget our souls, and that we are responsible to Allah ( The Meaning of The Holy Quran, Abdullah Yusuf Ali, page 90, commentary note 249)
Commentary of Mawlana-Abul-Ala-Mawdudi:"The farmer sows the seed in order to reap the harvest, but he does not sow it out of season or cultivate it in a manner which will injure or exhaust the soil. He is wise and considerate, and does not run riot." (Afzalur Rahman, Quranic Sciences, London 1981, p.285)
The words and fear Allah (2:223) , shows how important it is in Islam for husbands to act in a proper and loving way with their wives during intercourse.
If any of you has sex with his wife let he be true to her. If he attains his pleasure before her then he shouldn't hurry her away until she also attains her pleasure." (narrated by Anas )
Imam al-Daylami (Allah have mercy on him) records a narration on the authority of Anas ibn Malik (Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) is reported to have said: One of you should not fulfil ones (sexual) need from ones wife like an animal, rather there should be between them foreplay of kissing and words. (Musnad al-Firdaws Of al-Daylami, 2/55)
Kissing ones spouse is also of utmost importance in general. It is a Sunnah of our blessed Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace).
Sayyida Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) would kiss one of his wives and then leave for prayer (salat) without performing ablution (wudu). Urwa says that I asked Aisha: It must have been you? (Upon hearing this) Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) smiled. (Sunan al-Tirmidhi, no. 86, Sunan Abu Dawud, no. 181 & Sunan al-Nasai, no. 170))
Sayyida Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) says: The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) would kiss me before leaving for prayers, and he would not perform an ablution. (Sunan al-Darqutni, 1/49 and others)
The above two narrations indicate the recommendation of kissing ones spouse. They also show the importance of greeting the wife when entering the house with a kiss and departing with a kiss. This was the Sunnah of the beloved of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace). Thus, it is inappropriate for husbands to leave the home in a hurry without even greeting the wife in a proper manner with hugs and kisses, and then entering the house with the first question on whether the food is cooked or not, or whether had someone called, etc
Passionate kissing (or French kissing) is also the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace).
Sayyida Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) would kiss her whilst he was fasting and he would suck her tongue. (Sunan Abu Dawud, no. 2378)
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